Trick or treatment?

“I think you should consider full time treatment. You keep struggling and you need the support.”

No way! I can do this alone. I can and will follow my meals. Insert strong arm emoticon here.

I’ve been attending the eating disorder clinic for about 4 months. I feel like I’ve tried it all. I did gain weight. I did slowly stop weighing myself 5x a day. But the day my doctor told me this was the day I had hit the lowest point in my recovery. From controlled anorexia to chaotic bulimia.

Flash forward a few days. I’m exhausted. Physically and mentally. I finally convince myself. I am NOT admitting defeat. I am surrendering control.

I call my doctor and dietitian to tell them I’m coming in.

“I’m going to start outpatient treatment,” I tell my best friend, my confidante over the phone. I am ashamed.

But I’m at peace with my decision.

I hear the relief in her voice. She has never once judged or made me feel shame.

People who hold your hand at rock bottom? They are the good ones.

“I’m so happy you’ve come to this decision…”

My family? They’re also some real MVPs. Yesterday was my dads birthday. I felt guilt as I called them ugly Facetime crying in a corner. I’m pretty dang grateful.

“We just want you to be healthy and happy…”

I feel like I have heavy wooden legs as I walk up the hospital stairs. My eating disorder tells me I’m lazy if I don’t take the stairs.

I enter and cue the negative self-talk. “Oh my god I’m huge compared to every person here. I’m not sick enough for help!”

I feel nostalgic for my underweight body. It’s sad.

I hated that body too.

Treatment is overwhelming, to say the least. As a day patient, I stay all day and leave after 8pm.

My heart hurts. I try not to compare my journey to others. This illness affects everyone differently at different stages of life. From old to young. You see it all.

My first day was tests, eat, cry in corner, sleep, pee partially supervised.

Mealtime is the hardest obviously. I have to wait around for hours before I leave after meals.

Too much time to sit with my thoughts. I am anxious all day but I know this is where I need to be.

My friend came and met me at the end of the day in my corner. Bonus: Lots of nap time. By this point I need all the naps. Evenings are by far the worst for me and the nurses know this. They almost wouldn’t let me leave. I’m not sure I would have had my friend not been there.

The past few days have been draining.

The hardest days of my life. I’ve been caught in a bad cycle for weeks and my body and mind are adjusting. It’s not cute. I don’t look cute and I sure as hell don’t feel cute.

So what happens when you’re supervised and don’t have bad habits to fall back on?

You have to think. And you may cry. You have to feel things. Talk and it’s not fun. I know it’s necessary.

Still…I keep the humor alive. I can laugh at myself through the ugly cries.

It’s time to say bye eating disorder. You won’t trick me anymore. 

xoxo Collette Marie