Put your independence aside & ask for help
This post is alllll about vulnerability (when is it not though?!) so of course, I’ll share where I’m at. Cue the walking down the street naked…
If you’ve followed along with me for the past 2 years you know I’ve touched on my eating disorder and also seeking help for said eating disorder.
At the time I was living in Alberta and attending a mix of day & outpatient treatment through the province’s Eating Disorder Program.
I gained the weight (plus more – hollaaaa at that weight set point), faced more healing AND hurt than I ever expected. My life flipped upside down as I finally had to face the crap I’d kick down deep and buried inside for so long.
After a year I headed back to my home province of Nova Scotia where I’ve happily been for the last year.
It was another journey and a half as I did more healing, faced more changes but luckily in the place with people I love.
I also left access to treatment behind and began the (highly unrecommended) journey to “dealing” with things on my own.
In my mind – I have done the work. I have cried enough. I have gained enough. I can deal. HI – I’M FINE EVERYONE!
But I also faced new jobs, new relationships, new heartbreaks, changes…so many more changes.
Eating disorders? They love control. Change is a bitch.
So naturally when everything is changing my instinct is to control control control. Thoughts can arise and those patterns may start to emerge.
I am extremely self-aware.
I can deal with the thoughts. I’m fine. I will meditate, I will yoga, I will walk, I will talk, I will read, I will write, I will listen to podcasts, I will breathe.
And I did.
But sometimes we need help.
Dealing isn’t healing.
Sometimes we don’t think we need (or deserve ) help but we do.
Sometimes you think you’re fine.
Face it – you need some help.
Change does not have a timeline and if you struggle from time to time it does not change the progress you’ve made. This was my mantra.
I pushed for help (which access to help is a whole other story in itself). I got it. What’s the first thing I told the person helping me?
“But really like…I’m pretty sure I’m actually fine…I’m not underweight so like yeah I’m fine!”
SOOOO FINE. Three minutes before that I was crying. BUT SO FINE.
“No actually you’re not- it is okay to not be okay!”
Wait it’s okay? It is okay to get help?
In our world more is valued and less means lazy. We “work through things”, we talk about the “grind”. We push ourselves and asking for help starts to look like “yikes.”
We’re so scared of asking for help because:
- We’re told it’s a sign of weakness
- We fear rejection
- We may not think we deserve help
- Vulnerable AF
“I need help” is definitely on my (and most people’s) list of vulnerable things to say. It’s up there with “I love you” (scary as shit).
The vulnerable “I need help” and “I love you” life it scares the crap out of me but it also allows me to be authentic. I’ve lived in what I like to call a “mute” state where I keep everything in. Don’t tell anyone anything, don’t ask for help, don’t show weakness.
Guess what? Things did not get better on my own. In fact, I felt weak.
And although I hate asking for help, I LOVE helping others.
Here we are all ready to help others but for us? No, no don’t need it.
Here’s a nugget for us:
Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” (Brene Brown)
We can give help but not ask or receive it as easily.
We judge ourselves for needing help. We judge others.
When really asking for and receiving help is powerful. Needing help does not (should not) dictate our self-worth.
We don’t have to do it alone.
“You can acquire, accumulate and accomplish with independence…but you love and live with need” (https://www.facebook.com/theworkofthepeople/videos/10154119361455682/)
Living and loving with need.
xo Collette Marie
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