Accept the off days: Self-help to self-loathing

How do you feel on your best days?

On my best days I am awake. Soberly awake.

I’m not trying to distract or numb from feeling. Good or bad. I just am.

Happy OR sad. Awake days are my best days.

On my best days I am focused.

I am consciously focused on my goals. Not a list of “save more money” or “eat yo greens” but a list that reminds me to be mindful. Of my thoughts, of others, of the present moment.

Focused on my core desired feelings.

Because at the end of the day, my goal is to FEEL a certain way.

On awake days my core desired feelings influence every action. Connection, creativity, passion, and alignment.

On my best days I am motivated.

To do the laundry list like saving more money and nourishing my body but motivated to grow, to do things that will BRING me my core desired feelings.

On my best days I am creative.

Writing is easy when I’m awake. Because creativity radiates.

I want to play, explore and I naturally seek out others who are also radiating creativity.

What do your off days look like?

Unmotivated, distracted, ego driven.

Distractions look like a full season of Scandal for two days. Undereat or overeat. Run too much or sometimes I don’t move.

I am not “on” or “in” whatever game I should be.

I feel out of control. Life is happening to me.

When ego is in the driver’s seat I often flip from frantic to finding ways to coax the frantic feeling.

Ego has a “false idea of believing that you are what you have or what you do…a backwards way of assessing and living life.” (Wayne Dyer – coined the “Father of Motivation”)

On these off days, I let my perceptions of what I don’t have or where I “should be” run every hour. 

Not enough. Don’t have enough. Anxiety. The anxiety of anxiety. Anxiety because I’m out of alignment. There’s that feedback loop from hell again.

No wonder I grind my teeth when I sleep…

Some off days I feed endlessly into the victim card my ego serves to me. Scarcity mindset.

You can have all the money in the world these days and still feel like you’re in a deficit. 

Woe is me and my world.

In the incredible Wayne Dyer’s words

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.

I scribbled that down in a random notebook.

I found it on an off day. Signs from the Universe if I’ve ever seen one.

Wait I have a choice here? I can listen to the ultra-critical control voice that’s verbally abusing me. OR I can choose to do something. Anything 

This is never easy. It is honestly so incredibly hard to move from miserable to motivate.

When self-help turns to self-loathing

The world of “self-help” tells you to FEEL good first.

I do believe that we attract what we put out. You feel good, good will come.

OK COOL. But that’s not freakin’ easy.

You end up feedback looping into feeling anxious (“I suck even at self-improvement!”) because you don’t feel good like the self-help gurus tell you to.

So I started to accept the off days. Days where I keep choosing miserable over motivate, Netflix over meditate, extremes over being in balance, fear over love. And I get insanely curious. 

Cue curiosity

I felt anger rising recently due to a dose of constructive criticism. Ding ding.

Honestly, I rarely feel angry anymore. More of a cry and run away kinda girl clearly.

WHAT is going on here. Why am I feeling this way?

I feel challenged. This person is telling me something that is not in alignment with how I see myself. 

I have a choice to continue to feel angry on the inside (feels like shit) or to breathe in and take a step back to look at myself.

Obviously if we could be “on it” and at our best every day that would be great. We can get sucked into social media where we face Facebook friends who seem to always be “on it.” You feel like complete garbage for not galavanting the world without worry like you want to be. Like EVERYONE has their shit together but you.

You’re wrong.  

We ALL face things, sometimes completely out of our control, that at times may bring us away from our best.

Off days suck. Especially when off days turns to weeks and sometimes years.

It is a difficult practice to accept it when you want to numb, avoid, distract…sleep.

I’m learning. But I’m open to it.

Acceptance, curiosity & choices.

xo Collette Marie